My heart is broken. My mommy is gone. She left me so early it was practically dawn. I said my goodbyes with a lump in my throat. When I went home I smelled her perfume and her favorite coat. She's with God's angels free of pain and safe from harm. No more 9-1-1 BP bells or alarms. Oddly enough I feel almost OK it ebbs and flows never really going away. My heart is broken I cannot breathe. She was never ever meant to leave. My soulmate she'll never meet. I won't be able to tell her how I was swept off my feet. My potentail children she'll never see to say "See Gramma looks just like me!" My heart is broken. My mommy is gone. She left me so early is was practically dawn.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Apples to Apples?
For those who happen to follow my blog...I've been avioding the "blogging" for a little while. I've been writing my virtual diary directly to my therapist. I guess it kinda cuts down our weekly sessions if she already has an idea of where my life is. So all in all people reading (if there are any) I'm doing OK for the most part. I have a new job at the popular grocery chain "Fresh and Easy" I made the mistake of running down "H" st in my bright green F&E t-shirt screaming "fresh and easy!"...."Wait! NOT ME!! THE STORE!!"
I had to laugh at myself (which I often do) because I was so loose lipped with my exclamation but hey it's me, what can I say? I'm awesome. If you know me, you know that fame has been my goal since the tender age of 9. I wanted to be a fashion designer a crny if you will. I had some cute stuff, and as I got older I went in and out of making my own things while sporting my used thrift store duds.
My parents and sister HATED the way I dressed. When I look back at old pictures I can't believe the way I dressed. My style now, or lack there-of, is still kinda sporty and masculine. I've decided that those 5th grade dreams of showcasing next fall's fashion in the spring of the current year isn't as hard as it seems. Back then I had no fear. I didn't think " I can't do this" I wanted to be on Kids in Corporated! and the Mickey Mouse Club! I didn't think of limitations that could stop me from achieving my dream.
And then you grow up and people want nothing more that to tell you, you can't do something. They "seed of doubt" you, then fear sets in. You want to have that fearless superhero feeling and now like a lame magic trick it's gone. So now, a little under 10 years later, I've seen what can happen if I go for it. I've seen what a little perseverance can do for one's future and I'm standing in line to sign on the dotted line of my future, the rest of my life, my 5th grade dream is going to get a fighting chance because I'm going to let it, and kick fears ass! I may even buy one of those "No Fear" t-shirts with the little angry face on it...Then again they're hideous and I have more fashion sense than an RPG playing twelve year old boy. Right?
I had to laugh at myself (which I often do) because I was so loose lipped with my exclamation but hey it's me, what can I say? I'm awesome. If you know me, you know that fame has been my goal since the tender age of 9. I wanted to be a fashion designer a crny if you will. I had some cute stuff, and as I got older I went in and out of making my own things while sporting my used thrift store duds.
My parents and sister HATED the way I dressed. When I look back at old pictures I can't believe the way I dressed. My style now, or lack there-of, is still kinda sporty and masculine. I've decided that those 5th grade dreams of showcasing next fall's fashion in the spring of the current year isn't as hard as it seems. Back then I had no fear. I didn't think " I can't do this" I wanted to be on Kids in Corporated! and the Mickey Mouse Club! I didn't think of limitations that could stop me from achieving my dream.
And then you grow up and people want nothing more that to tell you, you can't do something. They "seed of doubt" you, then fear sets in. You want to have that fearless superhero feeling and now like a lame magic trick it's gone. So now, a little under 10 years later, I've seen what can happen if I go for it. I've seen what a little perseverance can do for one's future and I'm standing in line to sign on the dotted line of my future, the rest of my life, my 5th grade dream is going to get a fighting chance because I'm going to let it, and kick fears ass! I may even buy one of those "No Fear" t-shirts with the little angry face on it...Then again they're hideous and I have more fashion sense than an RPG playing twelve year old boy. Right?
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Chocolate or Company?
I love both. When the two can come together than there's a good chance I'll have to change my undies before the end of the night. I bought candy today, because it was on sale. I also bought a face mask to keep out the "swine flu" I should use it to keep out the chocolate...But that's a different story. I've been thinking about and talking about relationships and I'm getting a little nauseous. I've got this person in mind to maybe consider to talk to, but I'm not quite sure if I'm just bored or lonely or bronley (I just made that up... duh)
I'm just wanting to have some sort of love sharing this summer. I don't think a single girl should have to live her summer(s) alone. I'm scared that I will be like a close family member of mine who is still unattached. It's so strange that I could bury the burning desire to be "in love" when I was in high school, goofing my ass off. Now that the books are closed and the lockers and hallways have gone, all I can think about is how I miss the sweaty palmed hand holds, the excitement of the dinner at the family's, my dad hating them etc.
Where are all the endless possibilities now that I have a driver's license and my own money? I'd still like to go to the movies while holding a clammy hand now and again. I'd like to have a little "second base" action going on. It's been so long I'm go to start purposely bumping to men just to get a quick fix of testosterone! I'm going to wait it out though. I'd rather buy KY in bulk in a few years then give it up to some loser with "mommy" issues, wearing Sponge-Bob pajamas, who doesn't know how I got through life not seeing all 3 Lord of the Ring movies. Where are you for F**ck's sake? Come out already, I've filed down my fangs so the biting should not hurt...Much.
I'm just wanting to have some sort of love sharing this summer. I don't think a single girl should have to live her summer(s) alone. I'm scared that I will be like a close family member of mine who is still unattached. It's so strange that I could bury the burning desire to be "in love" when I was in high school, goofing my ass off. Now that the books are closed and the lockers and hallways have gone, all I can think about is how I miss the sweaty palmed hand holds, the excitement of the dinner at the family's, my dad hating them etc.
Where are all the endless possibilities now that I have a driver's license and my own money? I'd still like to go to the movies while holding a clammy hand now and again. I'd like to have a little "second base" action going on. It's been so long I'm go to start purposely bumping to men just to get a quick fix of testosterone! I'm going to wait it out though. I'd rather buy KY in bulk in a few years then give it up to some loser with "mommy" issues, wearing Sponge-Bob pajamas, who doesn't know how I got through life not seeing all 3 Lord of the Ring movies. Where are you for F**ck's sake? Come out already, I've filed down my fangs so the biting should not hurt...Much.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Love for the Crazy, Addicted & Incarcerated...
So....I took a chance on an uknown guy, He's nice, sweet, overly emotional at times, and a complete open book. I like him for who he's looking to become, and somewhat for the person he is right now. I had made the mistake of letting my ideas and expectations become the best of my mind. They took over and the sanity left me as quick as an unexpected fart.
I've checked his Myspace, and it's more boring then I thought it would be, but take it from someone who's heard and not done that if you just got outta the clinker with men named "Peaches" you'd probably wanna keep a pretty low profile as well. But I could have gone my WHOLE LIFE without knowing about his "Playa Playboy" days and how he was coming into his sexuality and how he kept the urges and desires at bay with amagazine an lotion. If I had known I was going to be a trash recepticle last night I would'nt have eaten before I went to class and I would have taken out my OWN baggage first.
Se la vie, I guess. I'm trying to be different all by myself. I cut my hair, stuck up for myself at work and it's gotten me about "tree-fifty" LOL (if you've seen SouthPark you'd laugh at that) So untill I shed the memory of past mistakes of old relationships, I'm gonna keep my eyes and ears open. Because now that Obama is in office and there is going to be a change, it can start with my history not repeating it's self.
I've checked his Myspace, and it's more boring then I thought it would be, but take it from someone who's heard and not done that if you just got outta the clinker with men named "Peaches" you'd probably wanna keep a pretty low profile as well. But I could have gone my WHOLE LIFE without knowing about his "Playa Playboy" days and how he was coming into his sexuality and how he kept the urges and desires at bay with amagazine an lotion. If I had known I was going to be a trash recepticle last night I would'nt have eaten before I went to class and I would have taken out my OWN baggage first.
Se la vie, I guess. I'm trying to be different all by myself. I cut my hair, stuck up for myself at work and it's gotten me about "tree-fifty" LOL (if you've seen SouthPark you'd laugh at that) So untill I shed the memory of past mistakes of old relationships, I'm gonna keep my eyes and ears open. Because now that Obama is in office and there is going to be a change, it can start with my history not repeating it's self.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Vincent...Where are you?!
So ok. LoVe usually looms around during Spring. Depending on where you live and what you're looking for. I was recently scoped out by a gentleman in my cardio kick-my-ass-boxing class when I was showing off some "sweet dance moves" I got caught off guard by this guy who had made himself his own work out area in the back corner of the class where he was free to sweat hard and kick as high as he wants to without the restrictions of sharing space on the rest of the gym floor. He came up to me at the end of class and introduced himself, mind you this class has been going on now for about 7-8 weeks, but giving him the benefit of the doubt I was flattered. He wished me a goodnight and then he was gone as quickly as he sneaked up on me.
One of my BBFL's E (who is taking the class as well) teased me pretty bad until I agreed to talk to him next class. So Thursday rolled around and I was kinda nervous, I have not had a crush in FOREVER so I have to admit my heart kinda pounded even before the warm-up. I nonchalantly looked around the classroom and to the clock waiting see my wannabe prince charming walk through the door. 6:30p...6:35...6:40 as the music was pumping and everyone starting panting and drinking water. Vince never showed up.
I was kinda like "no biggie" next week. Well it's here and I did the same routine. No show AGAIN...I'm sad I'm not going to lie. I hope I did'nt put my eggs in one basket because Easter's over and bunnies aren't that cute.
One of my BBFL's E (who is taking the class as well) teased me pretty bad until I agreed to talk to him next class. So Thursday rolled around and I was kinda nervous, I have not had a crush in FOREVER so I have to admit my heart kinda pounded even before the warm-up. I nonchalantly looked around the classroom and to the clock waiting see my wannabe prince charming walk through the door. 6:30p...6:35...6:40 as the music was pumping and everyone starting panting and drinking water. Vince never showed up.
I was kinda like "no biggie" next week. Well it's here and I did the same routine. No show AGAIN...I'm sad I'm not going to lie. I hope I did'nt put my eggs in one basket because Easter's over and bunnies aren't that cute.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
X-Rated and Best friends..What more could a girl want?
It's kinda late depending on what you think is late. I'm coming off a buzz of vodka, tequilla margaritas, and non-stop laughing with my pals gay and straight. I'm ready for some good good loving. I'd like to remain who I am, and not get too distracted from my happiness and goals. However, a little crush on a cute stranger that's straight never hurt anyone right?
I've been eating really bad lately and not working out as much as I should, but I walked around with my head held high and my booty shaking back and forth.. booty back and forth.. booty back and forth and then stick it with a fork! My future path has yet to be mapped out. I get anxious about that and money..Then I start to pull my hair out. I can't wait to get it cut!
I just wanna look and feel like the sexy woman I know is lurking inside this body. When you know you look good, and when you feel good..It's always nice to have someone else notice, so you don't feel conceited and full of it. That's why your friends make the best mirrors. They can see things you don't or choose not to. If we all had our best friends who want the best for us in our bedrooms and bathrooms everyday telling us how great our shoes matched that outfit or that shirt IS too tight. Then we would go out the door in a good mood daring any nay-sayers to get the hell out of our way because we have friends that not only see the best in us but who likes and loves us just the way we are damnit.
I've been eating really bad lately and not working out as much as I should, but I walked around with my head held high and my booty shaking back and forth.. booty back and forth.. booty back and forth and then stick it with a fork! My future path has yet to be mapped out. I get anxious about that and money..Then I start to pull my hair out. I can't wait to get it cut!
I just wanna look and feel like the sexy woman I know is lurking inside this body. When you know you look good, and when you feel good..It's always nice to have someone else notice, so you don't feel conceited and full of it. That's why your friends make the best mirrors. They can see things you don't or choose not to. If we all had our best friends who want the best for us in our bedrooms and bathrooms everyday telling us how great our shoes matched that outfit or that shirt IS too tight. Then we would go out the door in a good mood daring any nay-sayers to get the hell out of our way because we have friends that not only see the best in us but who likes and loves us just the way we are damnit.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
A day without THIS gay would be GREAT!!
For all of you wonderful people following my bloggity-blog-blog. I'm sorry. Today has been weird. I may have brought it on myself. I usually pray before I go to work. I ask God to make my day go by as hassle free as possible. Most of the time it works. Today however, I worked with the most horrible type of gay guy. The "Superior" in charge gay. This ass***e "B" I'll call him rode my ass today so hard you'd think he was straight! It was little things here and there "blah blah blah?!" I was hardly listening and as all of you guys know I HATE authority...Especially when it comes from a wannabe.
So OK I told an ex-co-worker that I had "No comment" when she asked me if I liked working there. I was not going to tell her the ABSOLUTE truth so I said what I said, and that was being polite! He of course comes to me with his little head-set and whispers to me "If you want I'd be more than happy to discuss some issues if you'd like and we can explore other blah blah..." I had totally cut him off after that. I cut him off and said I was just kidding and that the problems I had included more hours and that had not been addressed right before he launched into "Starbucks is the most bbbbbbllllllllaaaaaahhhhhhh..."
Ok people are you F**K**G kidding me?!!? Get over yourself homo-you-don't is what I wanted to say but I kept my toungue and laughed in my head. I then shared my story with another co-worker "R" and she said he was being a dick to her as well! What yellow brick road had I stepped on? A couple of aquaintences came in and shouted "Hey Courtney you wanna go to LA...Like right now?!" I informed them that I had to work. Then Gay Akien let me know I "Could go if I wanted to"
After I turned down the invite, he informed me again I could go home early because it was "dead" I thought ok Elton John I'll go home then. And with that I tore off my green cloth apron, collected my foul coffee smelling sweatshirt and left. The only person who gets to verbally abuse me for the hell of it are the voices in my head..And they took the day off. So yeah. Please don't get me wrong, I love the guys who fly the rainbow flag, just not the ones who hate themselves so much they want to take it out on the "breeders" so I'd vote "Yes on Prop 8" Just because it would be a big F**K-U to this wanna be Richie-Rich. I hope his Audi is "in good hands with Allstate" because he better watch his freshly waxed back...Beotch!
So OK I told an ex-co-worker that I had "No comment" when she asked me if I liked working there. I was not going to tell her the ABSOLUTE truth so I said what I said, and that was being polite! He of course comes to me with his little head-set and whispers to me "If you want I'd be more than happy to discuss some issues if you'd like and we can explore other blah blah..." I had totally cut him off after that. I cut him off and said I was just kidding and that the problems I had included more hours and that had not been addressed right before he launched into "Starbucks is the most bbbbbbllllllllaaaaaahhhhhhh..."
Ok people are you F**K**G kidding me?!!? Get over yourself homo-you-don't is what I wanted to say but I kept my toungue and laughed in my head. I then shared my story with another co-worker "R" and she said he was being a dick to her as well! What yellow brick road had I stepped on? A couple of aquaintences came in and shouted "Hey Courtney you wanna go to LA...Like right now?!" I informed them that I had to work. Then Gay Akien let me know I "Could go if I wanted to"
After I turned down the invite, he informed me again I could go home early because it was "dead" I thought ok Elton John I'll go home then. And with that I tore off my green cloth apron, collected my foul coffee smelling sweatshirt and left. The only person who gets to verbally abuse me for the hell of it are the voices in my head..And they took the day off. So yeah. Please don't get me wrong, I love the guys who fly the rainbow flag, just not the ones who hate themselves so much they want to take it out on the "breeders" so I'd vote "Yes on Prop 8" Just because it would be a big F**K-U to this wanna be Richie-Rich. I hope his Audi is "in good hands with Allstate" because he better watch his freshly waxed back...Beotch!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Make sure it all gets out.
Crying hurts sometimes. I cried the other day and my eyes and throat hurt. It was weird because I don't know when the last time I really let go. Most of the time, things I talk about are all surface stuff. Real feelings scare me.
I'm working out more which feels pretty good. I'm in really good realationships with my friends and that feels even better, but what's been making my heart strings snag happened last week. As I was shaking my ass to the top 40 mix my kickboxing instructor was blasting in the gym I apparently attracted a man's attention in my class who has always kind of stayed to himself.
This particular night, Mr. Seclusion was working out behind me and said something like "Dang girl you got attitude" Or something similar. I was taken aback because I'm NEVER prepared when guys talk to me. I'm used to initiating the convo, so it was nice to have a "take-charge" kinda guy. I just mentioned that that was how I "rolled" and we got into going out and dancing.
He overly informed me that he no longer drinks and so he does'nt go dancing. It felt weird to know that right off. But he's handsome and I want to see him again. So until I see him again I'm going to try desperately trying to remember his face and smile so incase he decides to speak to me again I'll be ready to talk back. (To Ava)
I'm working out more which feels pretty good. I'm in really good realationships with my friends and that feels even better, but what's been making my heart strings snag happened last week. As I was shaking my ass to the top 40 mix my kickboxing instructor was blasting in the gym I apparently attracted a man's attention in my class who has always kind of stayed to himself.
This particular night, Mr. Seclusion was working out behind me and said something like "Dang girl you got attitude" Or something similar. I was taken aback because I'm NEVER prepared when guys talk to me. I'm used to initiating the convo, so it was nice to have a "take-charge" kinda guy. I just mentioned that that was how I "rolled" and we got into going out and dancing.
He overly informed me that he no longer drinks and so he does'nt go dancing. It felt weird to know that right off. But he's handsome and I want to see him again. So until I see him again I'm going to try desperately trying to remember his face and smile so incase he decides to speak to me again I'll be ready to talk back. (To Ava)
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Would you take some lint?
Soooo... If lint is in my pocket and I collect enough can I make it turn into money? Ok lame question. My blog is not going to be that long because it's the same news as before. Right now the cash flow has a bad leak and needs more than duct tape to patch it up! Ok enough of that. I took a nap today after I cleaned up my room. Spring cleaning I guess. I took a nap and then I solved some puzzles on Wheel Of Fortune, I should have gone to the audition in Slo...But I didn't.
I think I'm going to go back to school after I find a job. I'm going to be a teacher I think. I feel like I have a thing like a natural leadership and something to give. I only feel like this because when I went to the Discovery Museum and I looked at all those little kids. They were horrible and cute at the same time. I'm thinking like 7th grade or 11th. I want to teach the ones who are kinda in-between and just need a little help getting to thier final stages of education.
I don't know what subject but I was thinking maybe English or Drama. The latter I think would be more difficult since I would have to oversee productions and auditions and such. I don't know it depends. Aside from getting more money that has been on my mind since Thurs. I need a job.
I think I'm going to go back to school after I find a job. I'm going to be a teacher I think. I feel like I have a thing like a natural leadership and something to give. I only feel like this because when I went to the Discovery Museum and I looked at all those little kids. They were horrible and cute at the same time. I'm thinking like 7th grade or 11th. I want to teach the ones who are kinda in-between and just need a little help getting to thier final stages of education.
I don't know what subject but I was thinking maybe English or Drama. The latter I think would be more difficult since I would have to oversee productions and auditions and such. I don't know it depends. Aside from getting more money that has been on my mind since Thurs. I need a job.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Friends and Lovers
Sssoooo...Friends and Lovers one's good and the other one is somewhat obsolete. Online dating is the weirdest thing ever. You look at the profiles scan through people in "your area" and see the lame-ass dudes taking their pictures labeled "me" and "I'm in the middle!" With the camera facing the mirror and the flash blinding their face. *I'm distracted watching Chelsea Lately*
OK back to business. I'm not against online search and destroy. Some people I am close to have searched and found love on the world wide inter-web. I just haven't had any luck yet. I'm pretty tired of being stalked by some over aged weirdos calling me "beautiful" I would like to find a normal, young, educated man who's not afraid of some curves and can look pass the stereo-type of full-figured women.
I hate to think that my locale has anything to do with the pick ins around here, especially since I've talked to some other girl friends and wouldn't you know that the grass on the "other side" may have a bunch of cow dung on it instead of crayola colored green clippings. Love can be nice and mean, comforting and cold, red hot and then only luke warm. It's hard to have it, hard to get it, and hard to keep it. But the most painful thing about love is to try and live without it.
OK back to business. I'm not against online search and destroy. Some people I am close to have searched and found love on the world wide inter-web. I just haven't had any luck yet. I'm pretty tired of being stalked by some over aged weirdos calling me "beautiful" I would like to find a normal, young, educated man who's not afraid of some curves and can look pass the stereo-type of full-figured women.
I hate to think that my locale has anything to do with the pick ins around here, especially since I've talked to some other girl friends and wouldn't you know that the grass on the "other side" may have a bunch of cow dung on it instead of crayola colored green clippings. Love can be nice and mean, comforting and cold, red hot and then only luke warm. It's hard to have it, hard to get it, and hard to keep it. But the most painful thing about love is to try and live without it.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Running in place.
So, It's looking like this is going to be the time where I'm supposed to be learning something. I'm in the poc and I'm getting by alright. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever leave here. I want a hand to hold and lips to kiss. I'm lonely and I'm not afraid to admit that. I'm also feeling really jealous and insecure lately. I have to get this out somehow. If you don't want to read on I understand. I'll buy my umbrella and wait for the sunshine. It looks to be peeking from behind the clouds. "Rock me sexy Jesus"
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